Wednesday, July 5, 2017


"You look too gloomy."

I reluctantly looked her way, and turned back to my drink, the solemn jazz and lonely atmosphere. 

"You need to stop coming here."

Again, I'm ignoring her. The same words, same kind of concerns doesn't reach me anymore. I've been here in the same old bar for almost a year now. Familiar faces around me holds me here. 

We share the same kind of tranquility. We sit here alone, indulging in our private peace. We sit here quietly. We don't start any useless conversation.

Just sit, stares into the dark space and shut up.

We want nothing. Not money. Not women.

Just some time alone.

This is what people like her doesn't seems to understand. They feel the urge to talk to us. To start a talk. Slowly trying to invade the little room we are in.

So I stood up, paid the bartender and left.

My solemn place is no more. The other familiar faces nodded me on the way out; without words they understood.

Sunday, May 22, 2016


I've been badgered by an anonymous number, past few days.

I've texted back, a bunch of times, stating that he/she got a wrong number. But the calls won't stop.

Then, one day I picked it up.



It has been a while, since the last I've heard that voice from the other end of the phone. And suddenly it came rushing back.

Her voice. Her scent. Her figures came into my mind.

Alongside all the memories I thought I had buried a long time ago, all came rushing back.

It blackened my sense, for a moment.


How can a simple call, a mere simple word drags me back into this solemn, lonely hell?

And here I am typing inside a cheap hotel room, besides her naked body sleeping soundly, contemplating on my old blog.

Nonetheless, the sex was good.

Sometimes, running back to the past does hold its perks.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015


I was riding down the open way last night, when this ancient screamer bolted past me like there was no tomorrow.

A surge of thought hit me.

If I was the old me, I'd twist my throttle hard, trying to catch up to that bike.

But there I was, cruising at the street limit without giving a damn. Without minding to push my bike to go fast. To ride alongside the wind like I used to.

I don't really know what is happening to me.

Maybe I'm getting old faster than I realize.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015


"So I met this young gentleman the other at a club..."

"Stop it," I told her, "you met him at a club. That's no gentleman."

She turned her head and gazed at me. Eyes still red, reeks of alcohol maybe from last night party, I wildly guess.

"Your standard of gentleman is impossible, for fuck's sake. Then how am I supposed to find a good man, huh?". 

She kept her hollow gaze at me whilst I'm finishing my morning coffee, trying my best to ignore her.

"First, you should stop hanging at clubs," solemnly I replied, "bitch."

"Fuck you, Ren." 

Tuesday, May 19, 2015


"You seems rather at unease. What's with that look?"

I exhaled a small puff of vapor, organizing my reply carefully inside my head.

"No one talks like that anymore," I answered, avoiding her question altogether, "not like that, no."

She smirked.


Monday, May 18, 2015


It's raining.

The universe is wicked in some way. 

Making a gloomy day like this, gloomier.

I've been running away from formalities of all sorts since forever. My wedding was a simple gesture, I didn't attend my college graduation ceremony, and been avoiding all of my friends solemnization invitation.

But there I stood earlier this day besides my close friend's grave. 


I always hated the emotional queue in formalities. 

You have to smile and be happy for the bride and groom in their wedding, even you hardly spoke to them before. 

You have to keep a straight manner in graduation ceremony, even it was the day you presumably to be happy. 

But this mourning felt... so warm.

Maybe I took a wrong turn somewhere in the past, I missed a whole lot I not know of.

Rest in peace, my dear friend. My prayer will always be with you.

Saturday, April 25, 2015


While holding
to your promises

I've been wanting
to say I am

I'll miss you more
than I'll ever