Friday, September 1, 2017


I saw your picture last night, on Facebook.

I hated it. I hated the surge of memories that came lashing afterwards. 

We had a blast, 7 years ago. You were my safety net. My mausoleum of peace. Everything that we talked about, our shares of laughs, your willingness of hearing me every time I was feeling dejected.

I was a train-wreck, that time. And still are.

Thinking about that time, you were the only person I can trusted, wholeheartedly. 

And you were so good at keeping the boundaries between us, not letting me or you passing through that thin line of emotion.

We were never a pair. Never a lover to each other. But truest of friends nonetheless. 

The purest friendship I ever felt.

How you kept pulling me back from the abyss of depression I put myself into. How you consoled my suicidal thoughts each and every night. Asking about my rough and wrong and splendidly helped me thrive. 

And you did all of that without a slightest strings of pity.

You never pitied me. And I was eternally grateful.

But we drifted apart. I'm honestly sorry.

I let my thoughts reigned me over a couple of years, and I pushed everybody away. I'm sorry you were caught in that.

And when I saw your picture last night, I broke. I'm happy. I was devastated. I don't know. Even I don't know about myself.

You are happy now. You got married. What a lovely daughter you have, she looks just like you.

I'm thoroughly happy seeing you happy. Back then I thought I was incapable of feeling such thing.

But you are the one who taught me to, and you never realized.

You meant a world to me.

Even we never talked anymore, I just want you to know that I'm okay.

I have someone by my side now. She's my go-to place now. She helps me just like you did. She stays with me through thick and thin. 

The only different was I love her, and she loves me too.

I'm strong because of your guidance. And I'm stronger now with her love.

So this is me letting you go.

Thank you for being a part of me.

I will always miss you. 

Sunday, May 22, 2016


I've been badgered by an anonymous number, past few days.

I've texted back, a bunch of times, stating that he/she got a wrong number. But the calls won't stop.

Then, one day I picked it up.



It has been a while, since the last I've heard that voice from the other end of the phone. And suddenly it came rushing back.

Her voice. Her scent. Her figures came into my mind.

Alongside all the memories I thought I had buried a long time ago, all came rushing back.

It blackened my sense, for a moment.


How can a simple call, a mere simple word drags me back into this solemn, lonely hell?

And here I am typing inside a cheap hotel room, besides her naked body sleeping soundly, contemplating on my old blog.

Nonetheless, the sex was good.

Sometimes, running back to the past does hold its perks.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015


I was riding down the open way last night, when this ancient screamer bolted past me like there was no tomorrow.

A surge of thought hit me.

If I was the old me, I'd twist my throttle hard, trying to catch up to that bike.

But there I was, cruising at the street limit without giving a damn. Without minding to push my bike to go fast. To ride alongside the wind like I used to.

I don't really know what is happening to me.

Maybe I'm getting old faster than I realize.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015


"So I met this young gentleman the other at a club..."

"Stop it," I told her, "you met him at a club. That's no gentleman."

She turned her head and gazed at me. Eyes still red, reeks of alcohol maybe from last night party, I wildly guess.

"Your standard of gentleman is impossible, for fuck's sake. Then how am I supposed to find a good man, huh?". 

She kept her hollow gaze at me whilst I'm finishing my morning coffee, trying my best to ignore her.

"First, you should stop hanging at clubs," solemnly I replied, "bitch."

"Fuck you, Ren." 

Tuesday, May 19, 2015


"You seems rather at unease. What's with that look?"

I exhaled a small puff of vapor, organizing my reply carefully inside my head.

"No one talks like that anymore," I answered, avoiding her question altogether, "not like that, no."

She smirked.


Monday, May 18, 2015


It's raining.

The universe is wicked in some way. 

Making a gloomy day like this, gloomier.

I've been running away from formalities of all sorts since forever. My wedding was a simple gesture, I didn't attend my college graduation ceremony, and been avoiding all of my friends solemnization invitation.

But there I stood earlier this day besides my close friend's grave. 


I always hated the emotional queue in formalities. 

You have to smile and be happy for the bride and groom in their wedding, even you hardly spoke to them before. 

You have to keep a straight manner in graduation ceremony, even it was the day you presumably to be happy. 

But this mourning felt... so warm.

Maybe I took a wrong turn somewhere in the past, I missed a whole lot I not know of.

Rest in peace, my dear friend. My prayer will always be with you.

Saturday, April 25, 2015


While holding
to your promises

I've been wanting
to say I am

I'll miss you more
than I'll ever